Eclipse: The Poem

In “Twilight,” Edward Cullen made everybody swoon,
Then he left and Team Jacob was born of the “New Moon.”

Readers debated; Viewers were divided,
Vampire or werewolf? There is no undecided.

Unless, of course, you’re Bella and the choice tears you apart,
The best friend who’s always there for you or the total ‘eclipse’ of the heart?

‘Eclipse’ begins with Bella reading a poem for English class
Instead of grabbing her vampire boyfriend to roll around in the grass.

Edward is glowing in the meadow and talking marriage vows
Cue Bella’s exit – Charlie expects her home right about now.

Dad’s hating on her boyfriend for everything in “New Moon”
Little does he know Ed’s turning his kid into a vampire soon.

Hey Bells, how bout checking in with your ex-best friend - the one with abs of steel,
Jacob was there when your heart was broken, through the whole Edward leaving ordeal

Bella wants to make things right and Edward’s got to trust
Her not to go wolf girl after she and Jake leave him in the dust.

When the shirtless pack sees Bella, they're glad to get a break,
From the lovesick inner-monologue of a heartbroken Jake.

It’s information download time – gather round the fire,
To hear all about the history of werewolf vs vampire.

Learn how and why the Quileutes started shape shifting,
And the bizarre and disturbing phenomenon known as imprinting

It seems all semi-mythical creatures have an inclination to be stalkers,
And in the movie “Eclipe,” they are also all really close-talkers.

They protect Bella at all costs, and while we’re left to wonder if she is deserving,
Both Jacob and Edward are drinking the Bella kool-aid that they’re serving.

Repetitive rivalries aside, there’s some real trouble a-brewing,
Is the Volturi up to something? What has Victoria been doing?

Alice says she’s been watching both, which is all good and groovy,
Except that Victoria was recast and there’s a new redhead in this movie.

By the time Alice wises up and starts to look for Bryce Dallas Howard,
The vamp will have handed Reilly all the decision-making power.

But before they prep for this attack, Edward has to make sure Bella,
Doesn’t fall for the hard sell she’s getting from another adorable fella.

Jacob makes his pitch – he’ll always be there to protect her from danger,
He’ll love her and take care of her without ever needing to change her.

He says his piece and then decides to seal it with a kiss,
Bella pulls away and punches him, and in the process breaks her wrist.

That’s pretty much it for the two of them hanging out as friends
She’s got other things to focus on as her high school career ends.

Like hearing Anna Kendrick’s character Jessica, give a speech at graduation,
About making mistakes, being “Up in the Air,” and getting an Oscar nomination.

Jacob’s etiquette aside, at the Cullen’s post-grad party it is clear,
That Bella’s transformation and her enemies are both getting near.

Rosalie stops being a bitch long enough to catch Bella up to speed,
On a back-story that is uglier than blonde hair on Nikki Reed.

Her tragic bridezilla tale contributes to Bella’s escalating doubt,
Are there things she’ll miss about being human that she hasn’t thought about?

Rosalie wanted to be a mother, but Bella’s desires are less complex,
As she awkwardly tells Charlie, she and Edward still haven’t had sex.

What if when she changes they don’t want to jump each other in bed?
Maybe she can lose the big V before she becomes undead.

Edward’s all like, “No! We can’t screw until you’re my wife,”
He draws the line at taking her virtue, since he’s going to take her life.

So wedding then sex, then transformation wine and roses,
The terms are all set when Edward re-re-proposes.

He gets down on one knee and puts a ring on her finger,
While Jacob waits outside – the pup’s a stage five clinger.

True, he’s also part of the big Bella protection operation,
Headed up by Jasper, an expert in any vampire army situation.

The former confederate soldier heads up this combat mission
Training everyone in the newly formed vampire-werewolf coalition.

The day of the fight arrives and everyone’s prepared for the slaughter,
When Reilly and his army of newborns rise up out of the water.

Jake carries Bella to the caves where her vampire awaits,
The umpteenth round of the Team Edward vs Team Jacob debates.

For keeping Bella warm, Team Jacob scores a point or two,
And then a couple more after he quips “I am hotter than you.”

Team Edward will dispute that; Fire and Ice gotta represent,
But I think we can all agree to loving that scene in the tent.

Ultimately Edward wins, since Bella’s agreed to become his bride,
A fact he lets Jake overhear, causing the wolf to contemplate suicide.

Bella can’t let her BFF go off to battle vampires like this,
And knows the only way to stop him is to ask him for a kiss.

When she’s all up in Jacob, she sees the other option on her plate,
She loves that werewolf and being human, but Edward’s still her soul mate.

The star-crossed lovers stay behind and send the furry one off to the war,
In the fight against newborn vampires, Team Cullenwolf’s pretty hardcore.

They break the baby bloodsuckers that are apparently made of stone,
While we focus on the super sexy vibe we’re getting from Jackson Rathbone.

In another corner of the woods, Victoria’s out to break Edward’s heart,
And take his mate the way he took hers… when Rachelle Lefevre played this part.

Inspired by the wolf campfire story of the third wife’s sacrifice,
Bella stabs herself with a rock so Edward can rip the red head off Bryce.

After defeating Victoria and her army, nobody was planning,
On having a tense conversation with creepy Dakota Fanning.

The Volturi reps confirm the timeline for changing Bella,
And kill the vampire kid who's oddly the subject of a new novella

But no one cares about her, especially when we know Jacob is hurt,
Will he be so severely wounded that he’ll have to wear a shirt?

Thankfully Carlisle fixes Jacob so Bella can re-tear him apart,
His broken bones will heal faster than his broken heart

Fear not Team Jacob loyalists, this story is far from through,
Taylor and RPattz will resume their onscreen battle for KStew

We’ll all be around to witness this and the birth of the demon spawn,
In the saga’s 2-part conclusion – start the countdown to “Breaking Dawn.”