Friday, July 9, 2010

Eclipse: The Poem

In “Twilight,” Edward Cullen made everybody swoon,
Then he left and Team Jacob was born of the “New Moon.”

Readers debated; Viewers were divided,
Vampire or werewolf? There is no undecided.

Unless, of course, you’re Bella and the choice tears you apart,
The best friend who’s always there for you or the total ‘eclipse’ of the heart?

‘Eclipse’ begins with Bella reading a poem for English class
Instead of grabbing her vampire boyfriend to roll around in the grass.

Edward is glowing in the meadow and talking marriage vows
Cue Bella’s exit – Charlie expects her home right about now.

Dad’s hating on her boyfriend for everything in “New Moon”
Little does he know Ed’s turning his kid into a vampire soon.

Hey Bells, how bout checking in with your ex-best friend - the one with abs of steel,
Jacob was there when your heart was broken, through the whole Edward leaving ordeal

Bella wants to make things right and Edward’s got to trust
Her not to go wolf girl after she and Jake leave him in the dust.

When the shirtless pack sees Bella, they're glad to get a break,
From the lovesick inner-monologue of a heartbroken Jake.

It’s information download time – gather round the fire,
To hear all about the history of werewolf vs vampire.

Learn how and why the Quileutes started shape shifting,
And the bizarre and disturbing phenomenon known as imprinting

It seems all semi-mythical creatures have an inclination to be stalkers,
And in the movie “Eclipe,” they are also all really close-talkers.

They protect Bella at all costs, and while we’re left to wonder if she is deserving,
Both Jacob and Edward are drinking the Bella kool-aid that they’re serving.

Repetitive rivalries aside, there’s some real trouble a-brewing,
Is the Volturi up to something? What has Victoria been doing?

Alice says she’s been watching both, which is all good and groovy,
Except that Victoria was recast and there’s a new redhead in this movie.

By the time Alice wises up and starts to look for Bryce Dallas Howard,
The vamp will have handed Reilly all the decision-making power.

But before they prep for this attack, Edward has to make sure Bella,
Doesn’t fall for the hard sell she’s getting from another adorable fella.

Jacob makes his pitch – he’ll always be there to protect her from danger,
He’ll love her and take care of her without ever needing to change her.

He says his piece and then decides to seal it with a kiss,
Bella pulls away and punches him, and in the process breaks her wrist.

That’s pretty much it for the two of them hanging out as friends
She’s got other things to focus on as her high school career ends.

Like hearing Anna Kendrick’s character Jessica, give a speech at graduation,
About making mistakes, being “Up in the Air,” and getting an Oscar nomination.

Jacob’s etiquette aside, at the Cullen’s post-grad party it is clear,
That Bella’s transformation and her enemies are both getting near.

Rosalie stops being a bitch long enough to catch Bella up to speed,
On a back-story that is uglier than blonde hair on Nikki Reed.

Her tragic bridezilla tale contributes to Bella’s escalating doubt,
Are there things she’ll miss about being human that she hasn’t thought about?

Rosalie wanted to be a mother, but Bella’s desires are less complex,
As she awkwardly tells Charlie, she and Edward still haven’t had sex.

What if when she changes they don’t want to jump each other in bed?
Maybe she can lose the big V before she becomes undead.

Edward’s all like, “No! We can’t screw until you’re my wife,”
He draws the line at taking her virtue, since he’s going to take her life.

So wedding then sex, then transformation wine and roses,
The terms are all set when Edward re-re-proposes.

He gets down on one knee and puts a ring on her finger,
While Jacob waits outside – the pup’s a stage five clinger.

True, he’s also part of the big Bella protection operation,
Headed up by Jasper, an expert in any vampire army situation.

The former confederate soldier heads up this combat mission
Training everyone in the newly formed vampire-werewolf coalition.

The day of the fight arrives and everyone’s prepared for the slaughter,
When Reilly and his army of newborns rise up out of the water.

Jake carries Bella to the caves where her vampire awaits,
The umpteenth round of the Team Edward vs Team Jacob debates.

For keeping Bella warm, Team Jacob scores a point or two,
And then a couple more after he quips “I am hotter than you.”

Team Edward will dispute that; Fire and Ice gotta represent,
But I think we can all agree to loving that scene in the tent.

Ultimately Edward wins, since Bella’s agreed to become his bride,
A fact he lets Jake overhear, causing the wolf to contemplate suicide.

Bella can’t let her BFF go off to battle vampires like this,
And knows the only way to stop him is to ask him for a kiss.

When she’s all up in Jacob, she sees the other option on her plate,
She loves that werewolf and being human, but Edward’s still her soul mate.

The star-crossed lovers stay behind and send the furry one off to the war,
In the fight against newborn vampires, Team Cullenwolf’s pretty hardcore.

They break the baby bloodsuckers that are apparently made of stone,
While we focus on the super sexy vibe we’re getting from Jackson Rathbone.

In another corner of the woods, Victoria’s out to break Edward’s heart,
And take his mate the way he took hers… when Rachelle Lefevre played this part.

Inspired by the wolf campfire story of the third wife’s sacrifice,
Bella stabs herself with a rock so Edward can rip the red head off Bryce.

After defeating Victoria and her army, nobody was planning,
On having a tense conversation with creepy Dakota Fanning.

The Volturi reps confirm the timeline for changing Bella,
And kill the vampire kid who's oddly the subject of a new novella

But no one cares about her, especially when we know Jacob is hurt,
Will he be so severely wounded that he’ll have to wear a shirt?

Thankfully Carlisle fixes Jacob so Bella can re-tear him apart,
His broken bones will heal faster than his broken heart

Fear not Team Jacob loyalists, this story is far from through,
Taylor and RPattz will resume their onscreen battle for KStew

We’ll all be around to witness this and the birth of the demon spawn,
In the saga’s 2-part conclusion – start the countdown to “Breaking Dawn.”

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

New Moon Rhyming: The Saga Continues

What happens when forever ends too soon?
The angst continues and it's called New Moon.

The second book of the saga by Stephenie Meyer,
Brings werewolves into the mix with humans and vampires.

But before this recap gets into all the sad and sullen
Let’s scream or smile at the mere mention of Edward Cullen!!!!!

Bella and Eddie were still going steady a few months after Twilight,
Crazy in love and all of that stuff – but she still couldn’t get him to bite

She wants to be transformed but he’s repeatedly told her,
He’s not making her a vampire – she’ll just keep getting older

Bella’s birthday at the Cullen’s goes well for a little bit,
Until she gets a paper cut and Jasper loses his shit.

Carlisle’s on hand to stitch her up and talk about her soul,
But Edward starts withdrawing, and acting like an @$$hole

It was just a little bloody accident, Bella pleaded and insisted
But Edward said he had to go and it would be like he never existed

After he disappears, Bella plunges deep into her despair,
It’s not the healthiest breakup, but it’s Edward Cullen (!!!) to be fair.

After a movie in Port Angeles, Bella thinks she sees a familiar stranger,
And hears Edward’s voice warning her as she is drawn towards the danger

So Bella decides to put herself in more precarious situations
Hoping motorcycles will also lead to Edward hallucinations

She goes to Jacob Black and asks him to fix up some bikes
And is surprised she’s found a human that she genuinely likes

Being around Jacob helped put Bella back together
He was her sun – with him she started to feel better

Jake was doing a good job growing up, and Bella couldn’t deny
That with rock-hard killer abs, he was sort of a beautiful guy.

It seems fitting to reference the film and of course mention
Taylor Lautner’s performance… and his physical perfection.

When Bella falls off her bike and her face hits the dirt,
The only way to fix a cut is for Jake to take off his shirt.

Right around this time, the lines of friendship start to blur
Bells tells Jake she doesn’t feel the way he feels about her

She says she loves him as a friend and needs him around
He promises her the world even though she just shot him down

He swore he'd never hurt her - unlike that other guy...
But then he turned into a werewolf – a likely alibi

He disappeared, refused her calls, and never called her back
But give him a break, he's busy with a wolf (and smoking six-) pack.

And wherefore art thou hot vampire – aside from Bella’s imagination,
Victoria wants revenge and Laurent’s at large... not an ideal situation

For Bella who’s in trouble until a pack of wolves arrive
And manage to kill Laurent and keep our heroine alive

Jacob couldn't tell her truth but Bella eventually guessed,
That the wolf stuff all traced back to the guy with whom she's obsessed

She was often alone when Jacob went off to shape shift,
So one day she decided to go ahead and jump off a cliff.

Jacob pulls Bella out of the water, once again keeping her alive,
On the way home she considers giving in to a moment she knew would arrive

But the scent of vampires is in the air, which means they can't be far,
And suddenly Bella sees the familiar sight of a Cullen's car.

Jacob begged her not to go inside - but of course Bella refused,
Say what you want to say, but her loyalty has never been confused.

She fears Victoria's waiting, and is thrilled it’s Alice instead
Who is absolutely shocked to find a Bella that isn't dead.

Jacob returns the next day, just like a loyal pup,
And when Edward calls Bella’s house - on his rival, Jake hangs up

Alice sees what has happened and what inevitably will,
When Edward provokes the Volturi - he'll be theirs for the kill

Edward needs to see Bella in the flesh before it is too late,
Jacob begs her to stay for him, but she's got another date.

Virgin Airways flies them direct to Volterra, the Italian city,
Where Bella must come through - a world without RPattz would be a pity!

She must break through red-robed masses before the clock strikes noon,
And stop Edward from acting like Romeo - a tragically impulsive loon.

Through the fountain she goes, as Edward's shirt comes undone,
And Bella pushes him back as he steps into the sun.

He thinks that he's died; he’s obviously not the sharpest chap,
Cause they’re alive, and dealing with the Volturi – oh crap!

Red-eyed Aro’s impressed by the trio, but Bella not what he unexpected,
She’s immune to mind readers, and when Jane inflicts pain she’s unaffected.

Since Bella knows more about vampires than they’ll allow anybody,
Her choices are: be killed, be a vampire, or join the Voltur-ati.

Bella will become a vampire – information we can find
When Alice reads the future and Aro reads Alice’s mind.

Bella and friends are free to leave Volterra and head back to the states,
To ponder inter-species relationships and star-crossed lovers fates

Reunited with the Cullen’s, Bella puts her mortality to a vote,
The majority say change her, which Carlisle will do if Edward won’t

Of course she wants it to be Edward, who says he’ll stop opposing,
If Bella agrees to marry him… I guess this is his way of proposing.

She’s staunchly against marriage, but eternal damnation is great
Undead forever is one thing –  there's still a high divorce rate

And of course there’s Jacob the werewolf, Bella’s former best friend
Who reminds Edward about the biting terms that'd bring their truce to an end

The message is clear, but keeping Jacob in her life is Bella’s vow
It won’t be easy but Edward's back so nothing’s impossible now

When and how everyone in this love triangle comes to grips
Is fodder for the next book/movie, The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

But before we jump ahead and pre-purchase tickets for June,
Let's take time to bask in the amazing glow of the New Moon

For never was a story of more desire
Than this of Bella Swan and her vampire

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Twilight: The Saga Begins... in Rhyme

For the Twi-hard fans of Twilight, it seems like a good time,
To chronicle the chronicles of the saga in rhyme.

Here’s Stephanie Meyer’s series, recapped and summarized,
Starting with the 1st book (& movie) that fans have immortalized

At the beginning of Twilight we meet Isabella Swan,
Our seventeen year old heroine who has got her “emo” on

Moving from Renee in Arizona to live with Charlie in Forks,
Bella hopes to slip in unnoticed and hide among the other dorks

But much to her dismay, at school she’s clearly the hot new dish,
In fact, one Edward Cullen thinks that she would be delish!

First less subtle paramours vie for Bella’s attention,
Mike Newton doesn’t waste a day before showing his affection.

Yet Bella is more captivated by a particular clique
Specifically, a certain somebody, who’s kind of a dick.

These are the Cullens - the foster children of the doctor,
Pale-skinned beauties so gorgeous it nearly shocks her

There’s Rosalie & Emmett, and Jasper & Alice,
And Edward, the fifth wheel that throws her heart off balance

Jessica says, “Don’t bother” - but Bella’s attraction is impulsive
It’s too bad he seems to find her utterly repulsive.

But when a car almost kills her, Edward saves the day,
Although Bella swears she saw him standing several far away

She wouldn’t just ignore this supernatural strength and speed,
Knowing Edward was surely a very different breed.

For the first time she dreams of her pale-white, white knight,
And so begins the love story at the center of Twilight.

Though initially keeping their distance is what Edward recommends
He soon turns around to Bella and admits he wants to be friends.

She calls his bluff and invites him on a beach trip with the gang,
But they’re going to La Push, where Cullens cannot hang.

Bella goes and gets some info that she’s not sure what to make of,
Courtesy of future third wheel, her childhood pal Jacob.

He tells her crazy La Push legends of mythological creatures
Describing vampires who share a lot of Edward’s traits and features

Bella does her research and Edward confirms her suspicion
After rescuing her again – it’s fast becoming their tradition

He reveals that he’s a vampire but unlike bloodsucking barbarians
The Cullen’s don’t drink human blood – calling themselves vegetarians.

He’s gorgeous, he reads minds - with the exception of Bella,
He plays piano, he’s immortal, he’s the prince to her Cinderella.

And though he’s a vampire who craves her blood, she’ll go out on a limb
Because she is unequivocally and irrevocably in love with him.

Their affections declared, it’s time to have some fun,
First things first – to the meadow to see Edward in the sun.

Bella asserts yet again that being together is worth any risk,
Edward finally pops her vampire cherry and they share their first kiss

In the book it happened in the meadow; in the movie , her bed,
And wow – yeah, we get it – we’d rather be dead.

Take a minute – think of Robsten in all of their glory,
And then we’ll resume with the Cullen’s back story.

Edward was dying of influenza and was about to expire
When Dr Carlisle Cullen turned him into a vampire

Esme, Rosalie, and Emmett were followed by two final additions,
Jasper who manipulate emotions and Alice who has premonitions

Bella meets Edward’s family so it would only seem right
To introduce Charlie to the guy who doesn’t sleep in her room each night

They resist temptation even though they spend every night together,
And go out for a vampire family baseball game in thunder stormy weather

Visiting vampires check out the ballgame, including James the tracker,
Who see the Cullen’s brought a human, and he has to attack her.

The hunt is on and Bella needs to get out of town
She’ll go hide out in Phoenix while Edward brings the predator down

Unfortunately James escapes and there’s an impending sense of doom
When Alice has a vision of the hunter alone in a mirrored room.

Bella knows that this is the dance studio, located near her house,
James quickly lures her there, in a high stakes game of cat-and-mouse

He’s such a vampire of our time – got to have the kill recorded,
Yet with the slow and painful death he’s planned, extra time is afforded…

For Edward and the Cullen’s to bust in and win the fight,
And suck Bella dry of venom spreading from the vampire’s bite

She wakes up in the hospital – still alive and still in love
Edward promises never to leave her – but will that be enough?

Though his word will be tested, that’s not until later on,
First there are human rites of passage like going to the prom

Jacob stops by to give Bella a message at the dance,
But even this foreshadowing can’t hurt the star-crossed lover’s great romance

Bella Swan and Edward Cullen are meant to be together
Their co-dependent, all-consuming devotion’s “enough for forever”

Here is where Twilight ends but the story just begins,
Thank goodness ‘cause we’ve got a case of the Rob Pattinson’s

The sexy stare and messy hair have us totally Robsessed
But there’s a sexy pup that’s growing up and we’re already impressed

So Team Edward, Team Jacob, Team Jedward stay tuned,
Get ready cause America’s about to be New Moon-ed!